Girl I’m here for you, ok? That last picture I posted of you and Donatella got me worried. Hate seeing you like this, so I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna save you, LiLo, just let me take the reins.
-Rip out the extensions and DEEP CONDITION the shit out of what’s left of your hair.
-Go back to red and stay red.
-Throw away your self-tanner. Give it to the pale homeless.
This is not what a tanned person looks like.
-Get a nutritionist, a dietician, and a trainer. UTILIZE THEM. See there’s this great thing called exercising and eating well. The awesome thing about it is that if you combine both of them, you don’t have to worry about getting fat. And you also don’t have to survive on cigarettes and Diet Redbull to stay skinny.
-Throw away your extensions, fake contacts, lip plumping glosses, etc. You don’t need anything synthetic, girl. Come on. You know when you looked your best? Mean Girls. You know it’s true. You were at a healthy weight, a red head, and you hadn’t gotten butt fat injected into your face yet. You were ~pure~.
-Sue your plastic surgeon for all he’s worth.
He really fucked the pooch.
-Go away. For like along time. Go hide out in NorCal or Arizona. Do NOT think going to Paris/Las Vegas/Miami/New York/Long Island constitues as getting away from it all; these are all places with huge amounts of paprazzi, just like L.A. You’re not going away for publicity because absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’re going away so you stop snorting coke off Brody Jenner’s dick in the bathroom at Chateau Marmont.
It’s probably just dust.
-Go take some acting classes. You were great once, but I’ve seen Labour Pains.
Straight to ABC Family? That’s gotta hurt.
-Get a new obsession besides Marilyn Monroe. She was an idiot like you. Your idols are supposed to be people who are better than you, thus inspiring you to become more like them.
-Get the fuck off of Twitter and MySpace. Do you see other actresses your age doing that shit? NO. Anne Hathaway, Rachel McAdams and Natalie Portman don’t have time to tweet about the latest feud they made up in their heads because they’re too busy WORKING.
-Tell your mom to GTFO and have someone silence your dad. They are seriously two of the biggest fucksticks on the planet.
-NEVER SPEAK TO SAM AGAIN. Let’s be honest babe, you gotta be real and accept the fact that you and Samantha are not soul mates. In fact it’s pretty obvious that you both bring out the crazy in one another (I’m being nice, we both know you’re breaking most of the plates). Let it go, girl. Let it go. It’s alright. You tried. You gave lesbianism a good go. Now get it together.